I found this draft on my phone, written in August of 2019, days before my wedding. I don’t think I ever published it, so here it is, minimally edited from its found state:

my head is swimming. there are so many things I’m thinking about. wedding things. beauty things. change things. things tangential to all of the above things. aside from getting myself to just sit down and write—whether for school or my own purposes—I have also often struggled with organizing my thoughts, and getting them out in a coherent manner. 

I can still see my freshman writing professor demonstrating with a fiercely contorted hand—fingers overlapping, fighting for dominance—how I had all these different ideas that I was trying to express all at once in my paper. then calmly, with the fingers of her other hand, she carefully separated each finger from that anxious pack until they stretched apart: a wide-open hand. each finger represented a separate idea or line of thought that needed definition, space, but should still connect to the overarching theme (the hand). 

I appreciate that she pointed out that issue to me, as I hadn’t been aware of it, and frankly, hadn’t really had to struggle with my writing prior to college. in high school, I pretty much always did well on any assignment involving writing. but knowing I had (and still have) that problem didn’t solve the problem. I still don’t really know how to organize my thoughts very well. journaling and letter-writing were my jam for years, I think in part because they enabled me to express myself freely and without discipline. stream-of-consciousness, man. but now I’m trying to blog, and I’m wondering how much it matters today. certainly I expect that if I ever hope to have income related to my writing, organization of thoughts and coherent expression of ideas will come in handy. no one wants to read a mess. perhaps someone will insist I go back to capitalizing the first letter of every sentence.

but for now, whatever. 

I’m getting married in a few days. I have never been married before. I had never planned a wedding before. I have never had this many people travel from other states to bear witness to an important event in my life before. I’ve never before been the recipient of so  much money, and so many gifts. truly, this is a special, exciting, luxurious, nerve-wracking time, and I am grateful. but also a little scared. completely normal, I’m told. 

yesterday I randomly pulled out an old Sarah McLachlan cd—Fumbling Towards Ecstasy—and listened to it on the drive out to my fiancé’s house. I sang along and even cried a little. the music brought me back to the 90’s, and reminded me of a once-close family member, whom it appears will not be attending my wedding. this makes me sad. 

and here my head again swims—you should say more about this, explain why. but I’m realizing that, despite my love of sounding mature, emotionally intelligent and integrated, I am not there yet. it’s too complicated. there’s too much to consider. too many entanglements. and I’m sensitive to issues of privacy. suffice it to say that that family member is no longer in my life. it has been this way for years, really. I have no idea how things will ultimately turn out. but that is always true; I just don’t usually realize it.

I was able to share my feelings and give Andy some of the backstory when I arrived. he held my hand and listened, told me he was sorry. I am so blessed to have found him. and when I get all nervous about the (relative) permanence of marriage, and how I’ve never made a commitment like this before, and what if this and what if that, eventually I realize that, for all intents and purposes, we are already living the married life, and I have been happy.