my life is in transition. one could argue, of course, that we’re always in a state of transition, and I would have to agree, but sometimes it’s more pronounced, like where I am right now. in February, after nearly eight years, I left my job with Starbucks (yes, “S’ucks”). major transition. I was extremely fortunate to experience a concurrent and truly profound shift in my attitudes about work, what I’m capable of, what I deserve, and what the Universe intends for me. I “just happened” to meet a woman from my neighborhood Buy Nothing group who was looking for a nanny. a three-minute walk from where I currently live. considering that, in an average work week, I’d spend ten extra hours walking to and waiting at bus stops, riding buses, transferring to other buses, and walking back home, this was an unbelievable stroke of “luck.” miraculous, even. a godsend God-send.

I’m still working that job–where I have flexible start and end times, freedom to restore my blood sugar and empty my bladder when I decide, and a higher hourly wage than I was making at my former job. plus I love the family I work for. they’re very generous with me. I get to hang out with a beautiful little boy and go for walks with the sweet family dog. and more and more, I get to help out with their infant daughter. I have been drooled, spit up, and shat on with some regularity, but I love babies, so. nbd. (still haven’t been peed on, come to think of it. later today, perhaps?) I’m happy to be drooled, spit up and shat on by a baby every single day (if necessary) if I also get to enjoy autonomy, trust, and valuation. I mean really, what a powerful endorsement it is to be entrusted in the care of a couple’s priceless children. to have a key to their home. and it is wonderful to know in my bones that I am worthy of that trust.

I have not been working full time, though, and at times, even with the higher hourly wage, I have struggled financially. but I’ll take struggling financially with adequate rest, a short commute, and energy to write my blog over the more reliable income that came at the cost of feeling like I was under ownership–that my life, my energy, didn’t belong to me. that my time and energy were spoken for. and I realize now that those bad feelings had less to do with the particular corporation that employed me, and more to do with an employment model that doesn’t particularly work for me, Faith–the individual that I am. wired the way that I am. I am not broken. but I felt like I was while trying to fit myself into the cramped box of being efficient and bloody pleasant all the time. guess what? it’s not that hard for me to be genuinely pleasant when I’m not feeling squeezed every day, every week, every month, every year.

getting back to transition. I’m newly in love. the last thing approximating a relationship I experienced ended six years ago. and that was more like a parasitic entanglement. not even an out-in-the-open relationship with commitment, shared values (outside the bedroom), or similar lifestyles. it was wrong for me in every way, and hurt me deeply, but I certainly don’t regret it. I learned a lot about myself, and I come to this real opportunity for communion and a shared life with greater wisdom. particularly concerning what I don’t want. as happy and hopeful as I am to have connected with this wonderful man, still I have struggled to reconcile my longtime self-concept (a person doubtful about her capacity to love and be loved) with the one that appears to be emerging now. holy shit. this can happen for me. I am not damaged beyond repair. I can fall in love with an appropriate person. this is really happening.

so there’s that transition–into a new and more accurate self-concept. and into a new and apparently healthy relationship. and then there’s the imminent transition of where I physically live. I have lived in Seattle since late 2005. and I love it out here. it’s beautiful, and fresh, and it is a place that has continued to inspire me for the last almost-thirteen years. there’s an energy of openness and expansion here that I never experienced living in Michigan. I have often said that if I hadn’t moved here, I never would have known that I could feel so different somewhere else. anyone who has moved away from where they’re originally from (for better or worse) understands the inexplicable power of Place on the psyche. it’s not that I haven’t gone through really difficult times here, but somehow it has felt easier to right myself in this part of the country. the image of a tortoise stuck on her back comes to mind; whether it’s because of the mountains, the sea air, the particular slant of the hills, or because another creature comes along to give her a nudge, she is better equipped to get right-side-up.

but the man I’m in love with lives in Michigan. and circumstances dictate that that is where he must stay–at least for the foreseeable future. so. I’m very, very seriously considering moving back across country to where I came from. and building a life with him. maybe (hopefully) even a small family. and I don’t want to leave Seattle, but at this point, it seems to be indicated. and I’m willing. I’m flying back for ten days in August to hopefully find out for sure, but I have a good feeling about it. so yeah. major transition on the horizon.

before I left Michigan for Seattle, I got scared. I think it was the day before my then-boyfriend and I would be hitting the road. I called a woman who often served as my spiritual mentor. crying in a room with the door closed, I told her how afraid I was, and that maybe I shouldn’t go. she told me that everyone would still love me if I changed my mind (except maybe my then-boyfriend), “but which choice do you think leads to the greatest spiritual growth for you?”

“moving,” I said. so.

2 Comments Add yours

  1. Jessica Raymond says:

    Oh my gosh!!! I had fogotten you had moved out with a boyfriend! That triggered a memory of when you had freshly arrived into Seattle and were introducing yourselves in a meeting. Were one of you wearing tie dye? I think it was at The Shanty (my first homegroup). I was newly sober so a bit fuzzy. It was one of those Queen Anne meetings. I feel such nostalgia after this post. We sure have shared a significant part of each others journey together. SO MUCH has changed and there is no going backward, just forward into the next stage of the journey. You are so very precious to me. Praying God is with you and you with Him.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Jessica Raymond says:

    PS I remember thinking “that girl seems really cool. I want to know her.”

    Liked by 1 person

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