so it’s been a while. you might have thought, oh, she gets a boyfriend and she disappears. that was certainly true of my nineteen- and twenty-year-old selves, but it’s not actually the case with my #fortybelike self. while it’s true I sort of disappeared from the blog scene shortly after getting connected with Andy, it was not because I was quick to lose myself in him, or the newly found us-ness…and that’s not to say that to do so would be entirely inexcusable or cause for judgment. nor is it to say that I even fully understand what happened, or why. I mean, who fucking cares anyway? earlier selves would have spent stupid amounts of time worrying about the whys and wherefores, certain that they held necessary, profound capital-T-truths, and as such, would lead to invaluable enlightenments. I love you, former selves, but y’all were mistaken.

the important thing is that I’m writing now. and quite simply, getting back to the whys and wherefores (’cause why not, after all that?), I got overwhelmed with the amount of things I had to do and take care of and consider prior to making this move that I’ve now made and was clearly catalyzed by my relationship with Andy. too much, too much. too much to do. for those who don’t know, I’m originally from Michigan. when I was 27, I met a guy in Toronto, fell in love, and moved with him a few months later to Seattle. I lived in Seattle just shy of 13 years, and came back to Michigan last week. at present, I’m staying with my parents, my older sister, and my niece, who just turned 11.

initially this move was about Andy and me. and it’s not that it’s no longer about Andy and me, but it’s clear to me that it’s just as much about my family and me. don’t get me wrong, I love Seattle, and on a certain level did not want to leave. but. sometimes everything lines up behind things moving in a certain direction, and in this case, that’s what happened. the Universe was not making it hard for me to leave Seattle and return to Michigan…

there was first of all the whole relationship between Andy and myself, the continuation of which would require a move by me (Andy has shared custody of his four-year-old son, and they reside in Michigan). secondly, the nanny job I had taken on following my split with S’ucks (a.k.a. Starbucks) was coming to a natural end, as the children’s German grandparents were coming to stay for over a month, and could fill in for much of the childcare that I had been providing. lastly, my landlady, who had so generously allowed Maynard and me to live alone in her snug little house for over a year–a kindness that I credit (along with leaving S’ucks) with my nervous system’s recovery from the bewildering effects of adrenal fatigue–well, she was moving back in. I mean, we could have both lived there, as she was not technically kicking me out, but I think we can agree it’s much too small a home for two people to share who don’t also really, really want to live together.

those, to me, were all good and valid reasons for me to leave Seattle and return to Michigan. plus, of course, I had a landing pad at my parents’ house that would require neither first and last months’ rent, nor a background check (these people have known me my whole life). and so many people have been such generous, good friends to me throughout this process, not the least of whom is my own saint of a mom, who flew out to Seattle and helped me finish packing–a much bigger job than I thought. but also, Jody and Sean, who let my mom stay at their house in Burien for those couple of nights she was in town, and let me borrow their car over a previous weekend to drive to Portland so I could visit my best friend, and they picked up (and are keeping) my beloved tempurpedic bed, a huge favor since you can’t even donate a bed in King County, thanks to the rampant bedbug problem (and I wasn’t about to pay to ship the damn thing cross-country).

and my good friend Tex took my mom and me out to a fancy dinner at 13 Coins, not to mention the zillion-and-one times he took me out to dinner prior to all these big life changes. and all the times he helped me move, and took my tearful calls when I was super stressed, and drove me to the pharmacy to pick up my prescriptions, and on and on. and another friend, Kitty, hosted a little going away gathering on my last night in Seattle at her house. Darryl took me out to ice-cream-for-dinner-and-dessert my second-to-last week, and brought a super delicious pumpkin kringle to a different small gathering earlier in the week–the same gathering to which Roger brought a box of Top Pot donuts in my honor. and Lynn brought me a tray of cupcakes, a bunch of balloons (including one that said YOU ROCK!), and a surreptitious little wad of “seed money.”

and let’s not forget the two girls from my Buy Nothing group who came to pick up one item, and left with all of the stuff I was going to have to drop off at Goodwill. I was feeling so overwhelmed that last day, so maxed out, and so desiring of the cosmic pause button, that their willingness to take one major errand off my plate set me off on a relief-stricken crying jag. I felt like they were angels straight from heaven. and who knows, they may have been.

it’s good to be loved. more to come.